This blog hasn't turned out like I expected, but then neither has fatherhood. I was expecting it to be fun-filled and all about the amusing things that happened, people would love it, I'd get a book deal and eventually a movie out of it (actually, I think that was Julie and Julia wasn't it?). Instead, this blog has become a very honest and open account of my development as a Dad and a very useful way for me to reflect on how things are going.
I have to admit that for a while I was a bit disengaged. The initial euphoria of JJ's arrival into the world had worn off with my return to work and general feeling of not being very natural around him. Only seeing JJ in the evenings when he is fussy and tired and trying to get night time feeds with a bottle going left me feeling like JJ and I didn't have much of a connection. I was always comparing how JJ was with E and how he was with me. It must be something all parents that go out to work deal with. Your baby has an incredibly strong bond with it's Mother and a much more casual one with you. The time you have with your little one is incredibly important and can't be wasted or ignored but when it isn't all baby napping in your arms or playing happily on the playmat you begin to wonder if you are being of any use (well I did).
The last week or so have been so much better. Having time with him at the weekend when he is a happy and contented little guy also really helps. Going for a walk after work with E and JJ followed by bath time with Daddy is going great and I'm usually the one to get him down for the night too. Just seeing him smile back and coo at me makes me so much more patient when it comes to those not-yet-easy middle of the night feeds. I really do love the little guy now. I know a few more of his ways, am getting better at reading his body language and feel much more connected to him. This positive feedback gives me more confidence which makes me more relaxed and so on.
Feeding with the bottle is still tricky but as E pointed out; breastfeeding took a a few weeks of trying 12-14 times a day to become natural. At the rate of 1 bottle a night that puts me at 8-9 months from being good at it! I'm sure it won't take that long, JJ is growing, learning and getting more comfortable. A new bottle seems to help somewhat and JJ's Auntie showed us a great massaging technique that really soothes him when he's unsettled. Actually, JJ was really taken with his Auntie and Uncle and I was able to draw motivation from my Brother-in-law who, like me, had very little baby experience but took to JJ immediately.
This past weekend was fantastic. Very relaxed, no plans and a lot of time with my son. E managed a few naps, we cooked some lovely pork chops on the BBQ, the weather was warm(ish) and sunny, we relaxed in front of the cooking shows on PBS. My favourite was Saturday afternoon: I had JJ asleep in my arms, E was napping on the couch and one of our cats was being thoroughly entertained by a dried leaf blowing around on the deck. Simple pleasures. The fatherhood penny has indeed dropped...
Speaking of pennies dropping, I'm on the look out for a cool littler piggy bank for JJ. That spare change for taking empties back to the Beer Store won't be buying me coffee anymore. From now on it's JJ's.
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